An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Still dying that you shit outside
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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