did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
