i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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