i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
