Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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