My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
