Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
