census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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