what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
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