your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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