I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
