I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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