just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
BRING THE BAGELS
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
