Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
