The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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