do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
