i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
