Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
