I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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