Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
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