I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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