he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Congratulations! We have a period
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