i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
