I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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