i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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