$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
