I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Randomize
