Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
