Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Randomize
