you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
