I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
