last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
