Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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