I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
