I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
