Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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