Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
