If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
