What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Randomize
