Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
We left an ass print on the piano.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
