I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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