Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
