I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
