Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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