Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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