There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
