remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
