hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
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