Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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