I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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