how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
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